Grant and I gave this adorable Jellycat pup a voice today.
I imagine Lyle laying in bed a world away pressing this little guy’s tummy.
Praying God uses something so silly to create a connection.
Mother’s Day was a marker for me and though my thoughts are late in coming, I didn’t want this time to pass without noting God’s provision. In all honesty, my first Mother’s Day as a mother was different than I expected. I shared the morning of, that it is often hard to speak about as we are just smack dab in the middle of it all. The emotions are raw, very raw. I find it difficult to decipher if it is easier to write in the midst of a struggle or once you are on the other side and able to look back in reflection. While in the storm, the emotions seem to cause my words to be unrestrained which brings caution as I choose when to write. But, God is changing me and someday when I find myself on the other side of this part of our journey, I want to be able to look and read about His acting on my behalf as He pried my hands open on my first Mother’s Day.
To say my life has been changed the last several years would be a vast understatement. It seems almost every aspect of my thinking, my perspective, my heart, my faith has been changed in some way. Both Grant and I have surely been stretched. Wrestling, struggling, questioning, crying out to God in so many ways.
But, I can say one fundamental truth I’ve come to fully believe is that none of this is really about me.
I’ve even wanted to go back through a few posts and edit the wording as I almost cringe at certain sentences. But, I know that is part of writing amidst it all and reflecting on His changing me. Seeing Him work and allowing me to see myself in a new light becoming almost embarrassed by how I have so often made this journey solely about His making me a mother.
As long as I have desired to be a mother and wrestled with our wait, God has slowly developed an awareness that this is so much more about Him and His glory than anything else. And as I reflected on my first Mother’s Day with a child, I was reminded of the many ways that it is truly not fully about me. That day, my heart and mind were consumed with Lyle’s birth mom. As I struggled with missing Lyle and longing for him to be in my arms, I was overwhelmingly heartbroken for his birth mother. What was she feeling when Korea had their “Parents Day” just a week ago or on his birthday last month? I will forever be connected to this woman. I have been given the great privilege of knowing a paragraph’s worth of her life, and it has rocked me to my core. If one were to ask me who my hero was, I can now say with full certainty that one would be this young woman half way across the world. Truly. My heart is getting some kind of working on. God is doing such a work in it, I can hardly handle it most days. Picking me up from the pits, and taking me to heights I could not have imagined. Placing within me a love for this woman and her son that has me so shaken up.
And then there is Lyle’s foster mother who has sacrificed almost a years worth of her time to love our son. To those that foster, I am deeply encouraged by your sacrifice. I view highly this calling on another’s life and the obedience they find themselves in as they accept this call. This woman has given so much to our son knowing it will ultimately end in her giving him over to another. What a sacrifice and beautiful testimony. I am again changed by a woman I have never met.
I can not fully know what our story will look like in the coming months and years. But, I do want to remember this Mother’s Day and how I felt the blessing of being a mother. How, for the first time I could pray for our child by name and think on the specifics of his sweet happy face. And though it was not a day where we got our picture taken or I received a craft I could forever treasure, it is a day that mimics most of our journey that while we can not have the tangible, we have God’s presence and His continued mighty hand working.
I wanted to give a little update about the status of our adoption and the reality of our emotions these past several months. I have thought to sit and write about both on many occasions, but desired to wait for the day I felt I could better portray the difficulties we have faced while still shedding light on the immense amount of grace God has poured out over our family. I am prayerful that He would help me do so today. I wrote a post on January 1st that spoke about my anticipation in welcoming a new year and the hope we had for what it might bring. As I wrote that post, I was unaware of the fact that here I would sit 3 months later having lost both mine and Grant’s grandmothers who were both very dear to us, having been told that Lyle’s birth mom would be contacted to be given the opportunity to change her mind in deciding to parent him, and still not seeing a single child leave the country to be united with their forever families.
Needless to say, it has been a difficult start to our year. Our battle with the flesh has been intense. Fighting and wrestling with anxiety, fear, discontentment, jealousy. All of which satan desires to taint our journey with. We often feel as though we are desperately clinging. I have people ask when Lyle is coming home and this is something I desire for others to feel comfortable asking. It is our reality every minute of every day so it is comforting when others acknowledge that and want to know about our son. However, I continue to just be at a loss for words. Our estimations at this point are shot. We genuinely don’t have a clue. We can give a generic answer of ”late fall at best and otherwise this time next year”. But, when a child hasn’t left the country in over 6 months, we really don’t have a clue how much longer they will have a hold on these children.
And then, the reality of Lyle’s birth mom being re-contacted. We knew going into this process that until Lyle was in our arms, anything could happen. However, this change in the process was not something we were in the slightest bit prepared for. Lyle’s birth mom will be contacted at some point in the next 6 months or so and she will be given the opportunity to change her mind in parenting him. We obviously can’t imagine losing Lyle and I also feel deeply for his birth mother, as she has to walk through this most difficult decision again.
So, here we are blindly walking. There are days God gives us victory in our thoughts and emotions, and the fears that may appear are squandered. And then there are days when this part of our wait is just flat crippling. All I know to do is lay this burden at His feet. I have struggled with thoughts of others as of late and am asking God for victory in this area. At times when we post about Lyle or when our struggle is mentioned at every prayer group, my worry is that others think we are consumed. And on the other hand, when I share mostly about the highs of our journey, I fear others think we aren’t giving a real portrayal of things or we are trying to paint everything to be picture perfect. So, as if there wasn’t enough to cause all kinds of anxiety, it seems I’ve got good ole’ insecurity rearing its ugly head.
However, we ask God for Him to help us know and rely on the love He has for us. Our adoption process has taught us that nothing else is truly and fully reliable. People aren’t, governments aren’t, timelines aren’t, emotions surely aren’t, and even our hope in thinking that our greatest joy will come in Lyle being home isn’t. Our source must be Christ. I am thankful to a God who in His kindness continues to reveal this to me through so many different avenues.
So, here we are with our son’s homecoming uncertain in every sense of the word. We are fully loving Lyle as if he was our own not knowing what the future may hold. My heart and voice are in a constant state of asking God to bring him home. Whether over a sink washing paint trays out at work, or folding laundry, or putting Lyle’s books on his bookshelf. Just voicing, “oh God would you, would you please bring our son home?” And in this great gift we long for in Lyle, I hope that deep within, my desire is to more so see that He, our Savior, is our true joy and our true reward.
The song below has brought both Grant and I much encouragement through these days. I have found much comfort as it reminds me of Peter’s faith in stepping on the waters. I love how his story pictures Christ’s redemptive work in a child who struggled to stand firm. I feel the waves crashing and as though I’m being completely swallowed up. I hear God gently saying “child of weakness watch and pray…find in me thine all in all.” He has and continues to call us on these waters where I can see nothing but waves crashing. And yet His power is made perfect in my continued weakness. He even gives grace to help me somewhere deep in my heart be thankful for where He has me as I know my dependency upon Him is not as present in seasons of abundance.
We had such a wonderful time celebrating Lyle’s birthday this past Friday night. I seriously can not wait for our boy to meet all of the amazing people we do life with. We gathered in the backyard, had a picnic style dinner, watched a video of our boy in action, and had a sweet time of prayer. As I sat on my couch late that night after everyone had left, I was overwhelmed with thankfulness to the Lord for all He has done in our little home over the years. This was certainly another special memory to add to the list of many.
Lyle’s fox cake was made by Sweet Love Bakes.
She did an amazing job and it tasted wonderful!
Each person gave Lyle their favorite children’s book and wrote a note to our boy in the front cover. What a wonderful collection he got! I can’t wait for the day when we can read these together and I can share with him about the night we celebrated his 1st birthday!
Oh Lyle, you are one loved little boy!
Happy 1st Birthday sweet boy.
Today we thank the Lord for the gift of your life! Your daddy and I got to see you walk this week on video. You were certainly showing off like such a big boy. We have watched the video at least a dozen times each, noting new things every time. And just when I think I couldn’t adore you more, you give a new smile that crinkles your little nose. Our hearts are so full. Oh, how we long to be with you today on your 1st birthday. While we may not be able to see you smash a cake or have you here for your dad to take 1 year photos, we are surely celebrating your life and praising God for His blessing us with you as our son.
We love you more than words could tell.
————-
My hope in writing today is to express my thankfulness for our son and remind myself of God’s kindness in His blessing us with his life. It seems ignorant for me to not acknowledge the fact that we long to be with him on his 1st birthday. It has been an emotional few days as I think about the reality of not having Lyle home. And as I have looked at Grant’s photos lately, my thoughts only turn to my desire for Lyle to be the one in front of his camera. So, while we experience these emotions and allow ourselves to acknowledge the difficulty of life apart from him, we ask God to help us more so focus on the fact that we have the most adorable little boy waiting for us on the other side of the world. And we celebrate the fact that God is orchestrating his coming home.
I have always loved birthdays…like really loved. This has been the case for as long as I can remember. And it is something I desire to be present in the traditions of our family…that our children will look forward to their special day. Not because of anything extravagant taking place or any amount of gifts or supposed unique decor, but more so because it is a day where they feel valued, loved, and celebrated. And so it is as Lyle turns one. We seemed to have started our celebration about 2 weeks ago when Grant and I made a birthday video for our boy. With footage of our house, us singing Happy Birthday, and Wally prancing around the yard, Lyle should be thoroughly entertained! He should be receiving it as he goes to his yearly appointment this week. And then today, Grant and I will ship around 100 spring jackets to the Korean Eastern Children’s Home in honor of Lyle. I will share soon about how these coats were bought with the money we were able to raise at my school, and it gives me such joy to be able to do this on our boy’s big day!
Lastly, we will finish up on Friday as our back yard will be full of friends and family gathered to celebrate and pray that God would do a mighty work in bringing our son home miraculously soon.
So today, as we pray over our son in Korea, we can not help but have his birth mom heavy on our hearts and we ask that the Lord would grant her peace and comfort as she recalls this day. We continue to thank God for her sacrifice. And though we may struggle with greatly missing our Lyle, we will rejoice that our God gave him life a year ago and He is giving us the great privilege of raising him.
Psalm 107:1
Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good…
